


We Don't Talk About Applebees

by SasukeUzumaki



Category: Naruto
Genre: Good luck reading this lol, I say implied but I mean they explicitly state it, It was originally an OTP prompt on Tumblr by moi, M/M, Much implied, Not deep explainations but, OOC to the max, Strong Language, heavily implied sex, if you don't like the word fornicate, it's said a lot, my sister made me write this, prepare yourself, probably best to leave, ya know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 22:13:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13490865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasukeUzumaki/pseuds/SasukeUzumaki
Summary: Innocently enough, Sakura decides on dinner at Applebees for her birthday, unaware of her friends' "legendary status" at the establishment. Everything goes down, relationships are uncovered, and there's a WHOLE lotta weird. One rule they try - and fail - to live by: Don't get caught up in Naruto's and Sasuke's drama.





	We Don't Talk About Applebees

Naruto and Sasuke were fighting.

Again.

God knows about what, because they fought so much that we honestly didn't give a damn what it was about anymore, we just hoped they'd give it a rest so we could get some god damned peace.

We were currently at Sasuke's house –er, mansion- because it was larger than all of our houses and Sasuke didn't seem to fond of being alone in the house he inherited when his parents had passed, and we didn't blame him one bit. Besides, his house was HUGE, so we thoroughly enjoyed being there.

With the way Naruto and Sasuke were always fighting, you'd think Sasuke would kick him out of the house. A few months ago, Sasuke had begrudgingly agreed –bent to Naruto's will, have you- and allowed Naruto to move in. Stupid move, considering the fact that it seemed to put a strain on their friendship.

"Naruto." Sasuke said angrily. The blond turned to Sasuke, a brow quirked in question.

"…yes?" Naruto asked.

"We need to talk."

"Can't it wait? I'm in the middle of a  _really_  interesting conversation, and-"

" _Now_." Sasuke demanded, cutting Naruto off mid whine. Naruto huffed out an exasperated breath.

"Fine, okay, I'm coming." He replied rather angrily.

And so they walked off, Sasuke fuming and Naruto strapping in for the ride, because Sasuke seemed to do this a lot and Naruto just seemed to put up with it at this point. We all shared a collective glance among us and sighed.

"Dear  _God,_ " Kiba complained rather loudly, quite possibly attempting to catch the attention of the retreating figures, "don't they  _ever_ stop fighting? I mean, give it a  _rest_  already!"

"They fight like a married couple." Shikamaru said. He had gotten married a little under a year ago to another close friend, Tenmari, so we figured that he knew what he was talking about.

"We don't really fight like  _that,_ though." Tenmari added, "We don't really fight at all, seeing as you're too lazy to put in any effort. The arguments seem one sided more often than not."

"They fight like a  _stereotypical_  married couple." Shikamaru corrected himself, "Is that good enough for you?"

"As good as it's going to get."

"What are they even fighting about?" I asked. I didn't really mean to say it out loud, but my thought sort of manifested itself into words.

"Do you honestly, I mean,  _really_  honestly, want to know?" Kiba asked, "Because at this point, it's just figuring out how petty Sasuke is being this time."

I supposed that Kiba was right, Sasuke was seemingly petty recently. The last time they had asked what they were fighting about, it was how Naruto apparently left his clothes in the dryer. Boo hoo.

They came back eventually and Naruto continued our previous conversation as if nothing happened. Sasuke walked into the kitchen seemingly pleased with himself. I swear, sometimes it seemed like he got off on yelling at Naruto, which was definitely weird.

I decided to let it go. Honestly, they were just a huge bundle of drama manifested into two very angry and often petty man-children.

* * *

 

One day I happened to find myself listening in on an interesting conversation between Naruto and Kiba. They were sitting at the dining room table, which is where our more animated conversations took place.

"I swear to God, Kiba, Sasuke has the  _perfect_  poker face, one on a level that you could only hope to ever achieve." Naruto said, almost gloating for some strange reason.

"Naruto, I have a  _pretty_  impressive poker face, I highly doubt Sasuke's is better." Kiba defended himself rather smugly.

"Have you ever seen any emotion on that man's face? Like, ever?" Naruto asked.

"I've seen him angry at you." Kiba said after pausing to think.

"That's it though, right? You've only ever seen him angry."

"I'm not sure that man  _has_  any emotions besides anger." Kiba fired back as if this fact were obvious.

"He's got more emotions than that, Kiba; he's  _human._ I'm just warning you to not play cards with him,  _ever,_  because he will whoop your sorry ass into next week without so much as a smirk on that damned face of his." Kiba's left eyebrow twitched at Naruto's claim.

"Alright," Kiba challenged, "why don't we test this theory?"

"Fine by me." Naruto replied before leaning over to yell at Sasuke, "Oi, gay sauce, get your ass over here and defend your honor like the god damned man you are."

Sasuke entered the room with a deadly glare pointed at Naruto. "How many times have I told you to  _not_  call me that?"

"Irrelevant," Naruto dismissed, "you're playing cards with Kiba."

Sasuke paused. "I'm what?"

"You're playing cards with Kiba." Naruto repeated again.

"…and why, exactly, am I playing cards with Kiba?" Sasuke asked with obviously waning patience.

"Because he so  _boldly_  claims that you have the most fantastic poker face in the world, and I am determined to prove him wrong." Kiba said, passing his own glare at Sasuke.

Sasuke arched an eyebrow at Naruto, seemingly wondering why he was saying that, but for some reason I could swear on my mother's grave that there was a challenge in that look of his.

"Oh  _really?"_  Sasuke asked, and that was when his challenge became a bit more apparent.

"Yes,  _really,_  now sit your ass down you're playing Bull Shit."

"That requires more than two players." Sasuke stated.

"Um, yeah, Naruto, I'm going to have to agree with Sasuke on this one." Kiba said.

Naruto turned to look at me.

"How good is your poker face, Sakura?" He asked, smiling gleefully.

"Um, pretty good, I suppose," I said slowly, "nothing that would make me brag like you guys are, though."

"Great!" Naruto excitedly clapped his hands together, "It's settled! You three are playing Bull Shit, winner has the best poker face." Kiba and I turned to Naruto while Sasuke fiddled with the cards that I did not notice were there and frankly didn't care where they had come from at the moment.

"Why aren't you playing?" I asked.

"Because I gotta take a shit," Naruto said as if it were the most natural thing in the world, "a massive shit, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I'll join you next round guys, 'kay?"

Kiba and I almost inquired further but, honestly, we weren't exactly sure where that train of thought would lead. So, we ultimately agreed.

Naruto left the room and the game had begun. The game was slightly difficult, at least for me, because either my poker face game was off or Sasuke had a fucking lie detector on him, because he called me out every fucking time. Kiba, the poor man, wasn't very good at calling people out, but I must say his poker face was pretty good. Sasuke's… well, Naruto was right when he said that his poker face was something to behold, because god damn that man didn't even bat an eyelash.

As Naruto promised, he came in shortly after the first round and joined in on our fun. His poker face? God fucking awful. He was probably pleased with himself when he had hid how awful his was in the previous conversation behind the gloating about Sasuke's.

It seemed like a weird thing to get defensive about.

It also seemed weird that Sasuke seemed to know where things were going.

I, of course, elected to ignore it, because, quite frankly, those two were odd balls of another level, and to try to get in on their drama and train of thought was akin to digging a hole and forgetting the ladder.

* * *

 

My birthday was in two weeks. I was excited enough, because I was younger than the others so I could still be a little excited. We decided to celebrate two weeks early because we couldn't all coordinate our days off to celebrate any later.

I had this wonderful idea that we should try something new, since we had gone to pretty much every restaurant within a 10 mile radius. So I decided on a place we had never been, not at all aware of the drama that would ensue.

"Let's go to Applebee's." I proposed. We were currently at Sasuke's house, again, sitting around his dining room table.

Sasuke choked on his drink, Naruto hitting him on the back to stop the coughing that followed. I looked at him funny, because that was definitely  _not_  the response I was expecting.

"Uh… which Applebee's?" Naruto asked cautiously.

"Um, the only one within a 10 mile radius? Come on, guys, the other one is, like, 15 miles further." Kiba said.

"Oh." Sasuke replied, his voice a little higher than normal.

"You have to come, guys, it's for Sakura's birthday and she chose the venue." Tenmari downright scolded them. They leaned in close, whispering urgently between each other. After a minute or two, they rejoined the group and sat back simultaneously.

Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Applebee's?" He asked.

"Applebee's." Sasuke replied with a slight nod of the head.

We all wondered what was up with Applebee's that made them act like this but, again, we didn't want any part of their drama.

Or, in this case, their antics that we were not made aware of.

* * *

 

We entered the Applebee's, Naruto and Sasuke trailing behind at a distance, whispering among themselves one again. It appeared as though they were having an argument and, honestly, second thoughts about agreeing to come here.

Once they entered and one of the wait staff looked at them, the whole wait staff seemed to hush down do a dull whisper campaign. Sasuke and Naruto looked around at the questioning faces.

"Well, they certainly remember us." Sasuke said quietly to Naruto, but not quietly enough to where I couldn't catch it.

"It's been three years, Sasuke, stop being so paranoid." Naruto dismissed his apparent paranoia.

"Naruto," Sasuke said blankly, "they're staring at us. I'm pretty god damned sure they remember us."

"Well, I hardly believe that he's still here. Remember how old he was?" Naruto asked.

"Hm…" Sasuke thought, then continued while nodding his head, "yeah, probably retired."

"Most  _definitely_ retired, Sasuke," Naruto confirmed, "calm your tits." This addition to the conversation Sasuke deemed worthy of an elbow to the gut.

"If he  _is_ here, he's going to call the cops again." Sasuke continued, a certain wariness in his voice. I widened my eyes. What the fuck had they done?

"Aw, dude, we got out of that one  _easy_  last time." Naruto again dismissed Sasuke's 'paranoia' with a wave of the hand.

"Well, maybe that's because the officer they dispatched last time was  _Kakashi,_ who you  _know._ " Sasuke almost growled the last part.

"We could get him again." Naruto said with confidence in his voice. I could just  _feel_  the eye roll Sasuke gave him.

"I seriously doubt that Kakashi would come again and-" Sasuke was cut off by our host addressing us.

"Your table is ready. Please, follow me." She said, her eyes on the pair the whole time. She almost seemed… excited? Which was pretty weird, considering the conversation I had just overheard.

* * *

 

We made our way to the table, the wait staff watching us along the way. I was legitimately frightened about the prospect that my friends were god damned criminals and they had just pulled us into it. Luckily for the rest of the group, they didn't have a god damned clue.

We sat down, Naruto and Sasuke on the far end of the table, a couple seats away from the rest of us since the table they sat us at was huge. The waitress leaned down to have a quiet conversation to the potentially felons.

After a bit, she looked up at us and asked, "How do you guys put up with them?" Judging by the 'cut it out' hand motions they were both making, it seemed like they were determined to keep whatever fiasco had happened previously on the down low.

"They don't know us." Sasuke lied.

"Yeah, we just asked to sit at their table- they just agreed." Naruto said, looking at Sasuke while nodding. Sasuke nodded back.

"Mm hm, we have no idea who they even are." Sasuke confirmed. The waitress smiled at them before turning her back. I was glad that they were making an effort to not get our asses arrested too.

The waitress turned back hurredly, a look of distress on her face.

"He's coming," She said ominously before reverting back to her smile, "your host will be right with you." And then she left.

And then he stormed up to the table, a paper in his hand.

He glared at my friends, who looked up at him with mock innocence.

"Hello, kind sir, how may we help you today?" Naruto asked.

"What are your names." The man didn't ask but demanded with poorly concealed anger.

"Why, I'm Christian Bale," Sasuke leaned an elbow on the table.

"And I'm Adam West," Naruto 'introduced' himself.

"And together, we're…" Sasuke looked at Naruto and smiled.

They turned towards him and said in unison, "Christian Bale and Adam West!"

The man's glare intensified.

"So you are  _not_  Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha." He growled. They looked at each other.

"Have you heard of them?" Sasuke asked.

"I dunno, Naruto sounds kinda like food, though." Naruto replied. Sasuke nodded in agreement, which only served to piss off the man even more.

"Well then, let's ask your  _friends,_  shall we?" He asked. Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other with widened eyes.

"Um, we don't know them." Sasuke spit out quickly.

"Yeah, uh, we asked to sit with them. We have no idea who they are." Naruto added.

"You can ask the waitress, we informed her of our predicament." Sasuke sat back in his chair confidently.

"Yes we did, Christian- yes we did." Naruto nodded, sitting back in his chair too.

He showed them the piece of paper. The picture was blurry, and we were sitting a little ways away, so we couldn't make it out. Sasuke and Naruto studied it.

"…where do you even keep this?" Naruto asked, looking up at the man.

"In the breakroom." He replied through gritted teeth.

"…" Sasuke seemed to ponder over the information, "… do you guys, like, jack off to this?" he asked. The man sputtered in response, his face turning red.

"Wha- I- NO! OF COURSE NOT!" He yelled.

"He doth protest too much." Naruto leaned over to whisper to Sasuke.

"Agreed." Sasuke replied.

"Are you, or are you  _not_  the two men in this picture?" He asked. They looked at each other, the lie they were about to give being formulated between their eyes.

"Christian Bale, you did not tell me you had a doppelganger." Naruto accused 'Christian'.

"Adam West, you did not tell  _me_  you had a doppelganger." Sasuke fired back.

"Apparently our doppelgangers are having more fun than us!" Naruto said incredulously.

"For real, though! They look like they're having the time of their life!" Sasuke replied. They couldn't hold back the smiles on their faces as their façade broke down more and more. The man slammed his hands down on the table, his glare passing between the two men.

"Three years ago, you guys FORNICATED in my establishment!" He yelled. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other with actual shock before they broke down into fits of laughter.

"Naruto, you should have  _told_  me we were fornicating! I would have  _actually_ taken my clothes off to do it  _properly!_ " The statement only made them laugh harder and the man's glare stronger.

"Are you mocking me?" He asked. They looked up at him, tears in their eyes from the laughing that had finally begun to subside.

"Oh, honey, do you not know what fornicating is?" Sasuke asked, attempting to hold back his giggles.

"Me thinks he's a  _virgin."_ Naruto drawled out the last word.

"I will have you know I have two VERY beautiful young daughters." Naruto and Sasuke shared a look before turning back to the man.

"…are you  _really,_ like,  _honest to god_  defending your sex life?" Sasuke asked.

"To us?" Naruto asked after. The man glared at them.

"That's it," he stated, "I am calling the cops." Naruto and Sasuke once again shared a shocked look before turning to his with hands up in a feeble attempt to calm the fuming man down.

"Dude, we're just fucking with you," Naruto laughed a little, "calm down."

"Get out of my establishment." The man said with authority in his voice, "What part of  _life time ban_ do you not understand?"

"Um…" Naruto thought for a moment, "the life part."

"Definitely the 'for' part." Sasuke said. They began to laugh again.

"I want you OUT of my establishment, and I want you to NEVER come back!"

"What are we supposed to do then, fornicate in the McDonald's across the street?" Naruto asked.

"So not as much fun," Sasuke shook his head. "tssk, tssk."

"Get out of my establishment. NOW." The man screamed the last word. They jumped up, heading towards the exit. "YOU BOTH ARE GOING TO HELL!" He screamed after them. Sasuke turned back to do a tear drop gesture with his middle finger before laughing and turning away, Naruto's hand reaching into Sasuke's back pocket.

After they were gone, the man took a few deep breaths and looked at our shocked faces.

"You  _really_ shouldn't allow strangers to sit at your table with you."

And with that, he turned and left.

We sat in shocked silence until we looked around at each other, mouths wide open, searching for someone,  _anyone_  who was aware of what had happened.

The host came to our table to take our drink orders. We figured that we'd ask them after we had finished eating, because, as stated before-

-you don't want to get caught up in their drama.

* * *

 

We entered the McDonald's across the street, hoping they would be there. And they were.

Sasuke was currently wearing Naruto's jacket, both of their hair mussed up, throwing whole fries at Naruto, who was hopelessly attempting to catch them in his mouth. After the third one, he looked at Sasuke with a stern face.

"You need to rip them into smaller pieces, Sasuke- I can't catch them who-" he was cut off by a ripped French fry smacking him between the eyes. He waved his arms around in a, 'come on, dude' sort of way.

"I wasn't ready!" He whined, shortly before another fry was launched at his face. He blinked a few times, staring at Sasuke's smugly smirking face. Naruto snatched the container of fries from between them. Sasuke quirked an eyebrow in challenge.

"Let's see how you like it, bastard." Naruto huffed out before throwing a whole fry at Sasuke, which then resulted in a surprised face as Sasuke caught it with ease. Sasuke leaned on his hand, watching Naruto with that smug look still plastered on his face as he chewed slowly.

Naruto threw another one and Sasuke caught it just as easily. His eyes were wide, until the eyelids drooped slightly, giving his face a certain 'bedroom' feel. Sasuke's smirk grew.

"I can think of a couple places that skill can come in handy." Naruto said huskily. Sasuke leaned in.

"Oh yeah?" He asked.

"Totally." Naruto replied.

They leaned in for a kiss before Kiba cleared his throat. They looked at us with bored expressions.

"Hey dudes," Naruto started, "welcome to the land of delinquents."

"Population: us." Sasuke added. They looked at each other and laughed. Sasuke fed another fry to Naruto who happily accepted the offering.

We stared at them. They looked back at us. They broke out into laughter. Somehow, the situation was so outlandish that we could not muster up the energy to laugh.

"…are you two… together?" Kiba asked cautiously. The pair looked at each other.

"I dunno…" Sasuke looked at Naruto with assessing eyes, "what are we?" Sasuke asked.

"I dunno." Naruto replied.

They burst out into laughter again.

"Dude, we've been together for, what, six years now?" Naruto asked Sasuke.

"A little over six years," Sasuke answered, nodding.

"…what did you guys  _do?_ " I asked them. I could feel all of the glares on my back because, frankly, did we want to know?

"Um, do you mean  _tonight,_ or  _three fucking years ago?_ " Naruto asked.

"Can't believe that they really mean for life when they say life time ban." Sasuke said in disbelief.

" _TONIGHT?"_  We asked in unison. They laughed again. I almost believed they were drunk at this point, but considering that Sasuke didn't drink, that possibility was down the drain. It would've been an easier explanation than whatever they were about to feed us.

"Yeah, tonight," Naruto said, nodding.

"We  _fornicated_ in the parking lot." Sasuke grinned, which made me uncomfortable because, let's face it, Sasuke's not the kind to grin.

Or fornicate in an Applebee's.

Or fornicate in an Applebee's  _parking lot._

Or fornicate with… well, Naruto. That seemed a bit off, but it was slowly becoming apparent to me that this was the scary reality that I was currently living in.

"Wouldn't that like… hurt? At least  _one_ of you?" Kiba asked. Sasuke shot up. He lifted the sleeve above the elbow to show the terrifying abrasion he had there. Kiba gawked. "Doesn't that  _hurt?"_

Sasuke looked at him with a dead serious expression.

"Occupational hazard," He replied.

They burst out into laughter again.

"And then we  _fornicated_ in the bathroom here." Naruto announced as if fornication was something to be boasted about.

"One person bathrooms are a  _blessing."_  Sasuke added, all but laying his top half on the table they were sitting at.

"…what…" I looked at everyone else to confirm that they were ready for me to ask the next question, but all I saw were faces of uncertainty.

Seeing as I was  _also_  uncertain, I asked anyways.

"…what happened three years ago?" I asked quietly, almost praying that they hadn't heard. By the fact that their faces lit up as they looked at each other, I realized that they had.

"Well, you see-" Naruto started.

"-It was our third anniversary-" Sasuke continued.

"-and we somehow ended up at Applebee's-"

"-because the car broke down-"

"-and three years ago, there  _was_  no McDonald's here-"

"-so we went into Applebee's and got seated-" it was at this moment that I noticed that they actually, honest to god, finished each other's sentences.

"-and, you know, being our anniversary and all-" Naruto again continued.

"-we were in kind of a romantic mood-"

"-despite it being fucking Applebee's for Christ's sake-"

"-and Naruto pecked me on the lips-"

"-just a tiny, tiny, very short and very sweet peck-" they pecked each other on the lips to demonstrate, I guess, and it didn't seem like anything that would be considered  _fornicating_.

"-and the manager sees us-" Sasuke looked at Naruto with a look of, 'dear  _god,_ this man had some  _major_ issues'.

"-and apparently he is homophobic as  _fuck-"_

"- so he goes off on us, telling us that we're going to hell-"

"-that we shouldn't be doing that in public-"

"-the  _whole_  nine yards." Sasuke rolls his head a bit at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"So then-"

"-being the bright person I am-" Sasuke smiles a small smile, looking at Naruto.

"-he fucking looks that man straight in his fucking eyes-" the giggles start up again.

"-and- and- and I say- wait for it…"

"…oh, you didn't like  _that?_ "

"Then you sure as  _hell_ won't like this!"

"And he fucking crawls over the fucking table-"

"-and dude, I don't care about my dignity at this point, because I was ready to smite that man into the darkest pits of hell-"

"-and we start making out, and I swear to  _god_  Sasuke is fucking grinding on me-"

"-and that bastard called the fucking  _cops!"_ At this point they're speaking between fits of laughter.

"He goes, 'YOU'RE BOTH BANNED FOR LIFE, GET OUT OF MY ESTABLISHMENT!'" Naruto doubles over, crying at this point because apparently to them this is  _so_ fucking funny.

To us, it's goddamned disturbing.

"And so the cops come-" Sasuke continues as the laughter dies down.

"-and thank  _fuck_  it's Kakashi-"

"-and he laughs it off and lets us go." Sasuke finished.

"The end." Naruto adds to lessen the confusion on whether or not the story had ended.

We look at them. We look long and hard.

These people before us were  _not_  Naruto and Sasuke.

But the more we talk to them, the more they explain that that's really how they are normally, between them, it was just that they hadn't told us yet.

More disturbing than the Applebee's story they had just 'graced' us with, was why they believed that their relationship was obvious.

"You know when Sasuke storms up to me like, 'we need to talk'?" Naruto asked.

"Oh god, I do  _not_  like where this is going…" Kiba put his head in his hands. I realized at this point that Shikamaru and Tenmari had elected to stay silent during the whole night.

"That would be me pulling him aside to have sex." Sasuke said matter-of-factly. Kiba groaned.

"I did  _not_ want to hear that. Like,  _ever_ …" Kiba grumbled.

"Oh, you didn't like that?" Sasuke asked.

"Oh dear  _god,_ do  _not_ say that, especially after that story you just told…" Kiba pleaded.

"…you remember when I told you that Sasuke had a good poker face?" Naruto asked. Kiba stared at him in mute horror. Naruto only smiled.

"You did not." Kiba said in disbelief. Naruto nodded, smiling. "No. No. No, no, nonono." Kiba was shaking his head. Honestly, I was a little lost.

"Eh, it wasn't the first time he'd done it." Sasuke added. Kiba then turned to stare at him.

"WHAT? WHEN?" Kiba yelled.

"A lot of times, actually." Naruto confessed, though he didn't seem the least bit guilty.

The dots were starting to connect for me, but I wasn't quite there yet.

"You are never, EVER,  _EVER_  sitting at a table with me again." Kiba said.

"We're sitting at one now." Sasuke pointed out. Kiba whipped his head to look at him.

"Don't- don't even  _JOKE_ about that, dear  _GOD!"_

"I'm lost…" I tried to whisper to Shikamaru and Tenmari, only to find that they had probably bolted to save themselves from the truth about our friends.

"I want to see  _you_  dominate a game of Bull Shit while being sucked off." Naruto said. My eyes widened as I looked at the blond.

"EXCUSE ME?" I asked loudly. Naruto looked at me.

"…we've been talking about this for, like, five minutes now." Naruto said.

"Welcome to the conversation." Sasuke mumbled into his folded arms, half asleep.

"Okay, you know what? I second the motion that you two do  _not_  sit at a table with us, because… dear god…" I trailed off. Naruto laughed again.

"Oh, well. Our loss, I guess." He shrugged.

We walked to the car, Sasuke having taken a nap during our conversation and was ready to roll again. Naruto stopped us in front of the car. He turned to Sasuke.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He stated.

"That's good." Sasuke replied. Naruto looked at him.

"Um… I'm trying to make this romantic?" He asked.

"Trying to make  _what_  romantic?" Sasuke asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Well, our friends know now, and, we're in the Applebee's parking lot, which is cool because we apparently fornicated in and outside this thing so I guess it's important to us…" Sasuke watched him.

"Go on…"

"Well, I…" Naruto paused. "…I'm ready to stop being boyfriends." Sasuke's eyes widened. I could see where Naruto was going with this, but apparently Sasuke couldn't, judging by the alarmed look on his face.

"What?" He choked out.

"Calm your tits, Sas, I'm not done yet." Naruto reprimanded him. Ah, true romance was in the air tonight.

Naruto got down on one knee and held out the ring.

"Will you marry me?"

Sasuke stood in his spot with wide eyes staring at the ring. Apparently, being accused of fornicating in an Applebee's, getting thrown out of said Applebee's, and then  _actually fornicating_ in the same Applebee's parking lot and then proceeding to fornicate in the McDonald's across the street and finally come out to your friends was all too much to process.

And then Naruto had to fucking propose.

Naruto sat still, waiting for Sasuke to answer.

After a minute or two of fidgeting, he said "Sasuke, if you don't say yes soon I am going to punch you in the fucking throat, I swear to god."

Naruto was definitely the pinnacle of classy romance.

Sasuke finally, finally nodded slightly. Naruto rose up slightly.

"Yes?" He asked. Sasuke nodded a bit more noticeably this time. "Really?" Naruto asked again, rising up more. Sasuke again nodded, this time quite excitedly. "Really, really, really?"

"Dear god, Naruto,  _yes!_ " Sasuke cried as he hugged Naruto close to him.

They both cried, actually.

As Naruto slipped on the ring I realized that it was two weeks before my birthday, and it was the closest day we had to get together before then.

Those motherfuckers stole my spotlight, starting three fucking years ago.

* * *

 

It's been nine years since Naruto and Sasuke got together. Their romance game is still running strong.

It's been six years since the first Applebee's incident. You know, the one that got them banned for life?

It's been three years since they got engaged at the second Applebee's incident. Unfortunately, I can't say the last one, because those motherfuckers like to test the boundaries of 'banned for life' every year.

It's also been three years of getting used to the new Naruto and Sasuke. As promised, we never sat at tables with them unless we were in public, because we weren't risking shit. Sasuke apparently really,  _really_ likes Naruto, because he can often be found clinging to the blond haired man. Naruto has affectionately dubbed him his 'beautiful octopus boyfriend'- well, when he's not calling him dick hole or dip shit or something of the sort. It also happens that, instead of requesting to talk, Sasuke will literally grab Naruto by his face, often mid conversation, and drag him to the bedroom, the bathroom, a fucking closet- anywhere that is convenient for access at the time.

It's been two years since the wedding. The wedding was wonderful, actually. Naruto downright cried when he saw Sasuke coming down the aisle. Sasuke teared up, too. A couple of the Applebee's employees- ones that had worked on the first occasion- had been invited. According to them, the pair are actually quite the legend at the Applebee's- veteran employees tell the newbies, so much so that they're not even sure if any of the people that worked then are even there anymore. And, of course, Naruto and Sasuke see this as a tremendous achievement.

It's been about a year since we befriended Gaara, a quiet man that likes to keep to himself. Unfortunately for him, he is always dragged to dinner parties by his sister, which happened to by Tenmari. I always found it weird that we hadn't met Gaara any sooner.

It's been about six months since we started being dragged along to these parties. It's also been six months since we got together to formulate the 'completely accurate' story of how Naruto proposed, because that is apparently a hot topic. And, let's face it, it's for the best-

We don't talk about Applebee's.


End file.
